susan ferrari

susan ferrari

wife of music man.

stay-at-home mom of three boys.

author of #dearbaby.

photo blogger #artofmotherhood.
 

 

I have heard women talk about how they have dreamt of being a wife/mom for as long as they can remember; this was not the case for me. My parents divorced when I was three, so marriage, and by association, motherhood scared the hell out of me. And honestly, I never thought much about it. I could never seem to picture any of those things... for me. 

 

For the first 17 years of my life, I struggled with feeling like
there was something fundamentally wrong with me. 

 

Then came 18. I was lost, lonely, and hopeless when I met Jesus. In that moment, I was overwhelmed by peace, one that surpassed all of my understanding. For the first time my stars were aligned; and I knew the person I was was exactly the me I was meant to be. My heart felt home, all corners of it, even the darkest ones. And this gave me hope. 

 

That same year I met my husband. I pretty much loved him instantly. And three years later I became his wife. I had never been so terrified and so sure of anything in all my life. 

But, God's story takes us to places we wouldn't choose to go on our own,
but is somehow exactly where we need to be.

 

Five years later, I was pregnant and we were having a baby. We, the couple who were constantly on the "5 year" plan. At 11 weeks, I miscarried. I once heard miscarriage described as, "the bleeding out of dead dreams". And, it was. My dead dream. A dream I didn't even know I had, or wanted. My dream died, yet in this dark place, a longing was birthed. I knew then that something, someone, was missing from my life. 
 

Three months later, I was pregnant! And nine months after that, a piece of my heart was living outside of my body. Cole. Lying on my chest, wrapped up in my new mommy arms, I couldn't even begin to understand it then, but my life - and all of me - was forever changed.

 

 

Two years later we had our second baby boy, Cohen. My boys were rocking my world (in the best way) but tending to the needs of little ones is exhausting and I struggled with feeling like I was losing whole parts of myself. So finding out I was unexpectedly pregnant with our third boy, felt like it was either going to make or break me.


 

One day, as I was processing through my ever-changing emotions regarding this unexpected third pregnancy, it hit me. This would be my last time experiencing pregnancy. This would be the last time that I would ever have this time just baby and me, so intimately. I started thinking about how fast time goes by and it made me realize the value of being intentional with the moments of this final pregnancy. It made me want to embrace this gift rather than miss out on it. I began writing mama notes to my #dearbaby documenting my thoughts on social media, and for some reason people latched on to it and it encouraged and inspired my heart to keep sharing. #dearbaby became one of the most beautiful, vulnerable, shared moments of my life.

 

Over the months that followed Cam's birth, I could tell I was rooting deeper into motherhood. I was letting go of who I thought I should be and was becoming more of who I was designed to be. Things were no doubt hard, and with three boys under the age of 5, I was more spent than ever. Yet, through #dearbaby God had been conditioning my heart and my perspective to look for the beauty in the struggle. 

It occurred to me, one day, that maybe, the greatest artistic expression I can have on this world is through the upbringing of my boys. Maybe, my art is in them. The Art of Motherhood. By embracing my role as mother, some of the most authentic parts of me were blooming. I wasn't losing me, I was becoming a more complete me.

My boys were translating a part of my heart that had been foreign to me
until they came along. 

 

Parenting is one of the most difficult and vulnerable things I have ever done in my life. Our days are messy. And wild. And beautiful. And ugly. In fact, I'm fairly confident that if this were my actual "job", I would be fired on the daily. I certainly still scream at my kids, care more about me than them, overact, am too tired, overlook their needs, and fight for my own recognition which usually results in the robbing of my ambition. But it's in these moments that I find beautiful reflections of God in me. In my boys (And there is my next post). Much of what is birthed out of my parenting, in my photos and in my art, comes from the dark places. Out of the struggle, I gain insight into the depths of God’s beauty, and these insights inspire me. My hope is that they will inspire others, too. 

 

This is my art of motherhood. 

 

follow susan on twitter/instagram at @susaneferrari

read more about #dearbaby at: Http://dearbabypost.blogspot.com

or art of motherhood at: http://www.artofmotherhood.tumblr.com